July 10, 2008

Where do the Wicked Witches of the East Retire?

Oh I KNOW! I Know!

Here in the west of coarse!

Yesterday I met two! Yes count them ONE, TWO!

Before you count me lucky and put a green clover on my head, let me tell you about our fun encounters.

The first one I like to call Hansel and Gretel's Witch. And of all place she chose to retire and work at, she picked the Library. As soon as I walked in I had her pegged, I knew she was a witch. She was on top of my kids faster than they could get to the children's book section, yelling at them telling them to use their inside Library voices....I felt like putting my finger to my lips telling her the same thing.

The amazing thing is I didn't see a broom or her flying around but the second one of my kids made a peep she was hovering by my shoulder reminding me and them about library voices.

To top it all off, I filled out library cards for "those that can sign their names" only. Which was G -man and B. Well B signs her paper filling the whole line with her full first name. No last name down. Well so I call B over to have her write her last name because it just wasn't an acceptable signature unless her last name was on it. And "how would she fit her signature on her card?" the lady commented. I had B write her last name and it took up the whole bottom paper.

This really sent her into a fizzy, because "it wouldn't fit on the card."

"Plus" she continued, "the administration office needs to be able to read her signature. They can't read this."

To which I really wanted to blurt "Who can read anyone's signature?????" But I said as politely as I could muster up, which wasn't much "Let's just forget about getting her a card."

B standing behind me started to arch her back and begin her stance to throw a fit, when she discovered she couldn't get a card. I looked at her and said "Don't even start. You ask her why you can't get a card." She peered at the lady and stopped her fit. I guess there are some benefits of being a mean old lady.

Now why she gets the Hansel and Gretel Witch award, she seemed to lighten up to us, not sure if it was the screaming or she saw the potential of fattening us up and eating us. Because when I asked her if it was too late to join the summer reading club, she quickly and harshly said, "yes." Then she got a smile and said "well, here they can have the treats, how many are they?"

So the kids left with some cool rulers and a sticker. Yeah I know your secret your aren't fooling me lady. I am watching you.

Then the true Wizard of Oz witch with hat, warts and everything flew in to the swimming pool with her blue swim suit and white robe, trying to disguise her self, I assume. She didn't fool anyone and especially not the kids. I am assuming she put on her water repellent from neck down so she wouldn't melt, but she must have not put it on her face because she kept yelling at the kids splashing, from across the pool.

The best is when she thudded across the pool area, you could hear her steps, every hard and semi paced step towards B who was squirting a water gun. I guess B had some of the better encounters with the witches yesterday. She yelled at her for squirting the pool deck. She grabbed her shoulder and yelled at her "who is your parent." Then turned "who does this child belong to?" I got a little upset, and have replayed several times what I should have said "like get your rotten hands off her" or some other unpleasantries. But instead I said "I am and I have told her to make sure she doesn't spray into the pool." at you across the way so you don't melt...well I didn't add that part but was thinking it.

This lady was on a fit of rage. And was circling the pool like a hungry shark ready to attack its innocent prey. Everyone, I mean everyone was hovering on the sides of the pool, afraid of her. She yelled at every child, especially those with some water guns. Some nice man was like "show me where there is a rule that water guns are not allowed in the pool."

She stomped out of the pool walked over to the gate, and fakely read "no toys." To which the man said "I am sorry all I read is no boogie boards, there is nothing about toys.

But to appease her and to avoid being turned into a newt or something we all made our kids obey and stay out of her way, which meant squirting the plants with the water guns.

As she hopped on her broom to fly away, someone asked her "did you have a nice swim?"
She looked over to me and said "Not today!"

Then she looked again at me and said "I'll get your my pretty and your little daughter too!" and cackled as she stomped out. Well not really but she really could of with the look she gave me.

All I can say is, if you don't like kids, don't come swimming in the afternoons during the summer. And we tried our best to not splash or disturb the water!

So there you have it, two witch spottings in one day. I wonder why they chose Hawaii?


katharine said...

well, who WOULDN'T want to retire to Hawaii?? Next time, make sure you get the ruby slippers ;) They sure would come in handy.

Cheryl Anne said...

You sure know how to write an entertaining story, lol! Sorry you had to try to survive the witches to tell this one.

The Thorley Family said...

Nice... you definitely have more self control than I do - Kudos to you for that!

Sheila said...

Why is it after an incident you think of the good stuff to say back to a person.

I had worked at a library when I still lived in the states. I worked both in the adult and children's section. We were never nuts like that lady. We never told the kids to keep their voices down unless they were shouting of course.

That lady at the pool reminded me of a friend of mine. Her and her brother would always come up on our pool's deck then yell at us for getting them wet. Pffft.

Yvonne said...

Even witches need a nice play to retire, but I guess they haven't really RETIRED!!!!

I think a nice pair of red flip flops are in order!!!! When she leaves, you can say, "Oh, I think you forget your red ruby slippers ; )"

Sheri said...

Sounds fun! By the way... it is the wicked witch of the west... so naturally they retire there! The good witch is from the east! Although there are plenty of wicked ones there if you ask me... aka Hillary, Nancy... just to name a few!
I probably would have said some rally mean stuff and then been blogging about how sorry I felt at losing control! So kudos to you for not!
The story was entertaining even of living it was not!

iggee said...

I'm always stunned silent when people act particularly rude and then think of a million ways I could've responded after the fact.

At least you can be prepared and on the lookout in case the witches return to the pool and the library. Sorry you had to meet up with both of them in one day!

Jessica Simonsen Howard said...

You are so funny. I love reading your blog. Thanks for keeping it real and making me laugh as well. Hopefully you will not meet any more witches, even they show up in the strangest places.

hjackson said...

HURRAY I'm your 1000th profile view!!! Is there a prize? ;)

Corrine said...

that is sweet Heather!! you get to be my bestest Friend!!!

Tonya said...

Nope, I never would have figured they would retire to Hawaii because of all the water and stuff. Good to know where they are.

Become A Blog HOODIE!