May 31, 2010

Lots of Little things....

So I have been avoiding writing, well not really avoiding but life has kept me so busy lately that I haven't really had a momentt to sit down and write.  And seeing that even after my multiple posts this week, well they were all posted on one day :), but seeing there were few if any comments, no one is really reading and therefore, really who will mind another some random ranting post.

This last year, as we have been in this house, in Ogden for a year now!  Its so hard to believe that its been a year and yet at the same time....wow has it not been ten??!!!  The ups and downs this year have caused me to feel like I have aged 10 years. 

I have learned that some I loved and trusted, and would do anything for, weren't willing to recipricate.  It surprises me, it has hurt me.  I took  a personality test last year, and one of my biggest weakness/strengths is my compassion and that I put making others happy and relationships formost above myself. I avoid saying things or standing up for myself because I am more concerned about ruining a relationship than how I am being treated or feeling.  And unfortunately, I hate that now, me who used to be so concerned about making relationships (not talking about my marriage) work, am feeling hurt and surprised and stung, that I just don't even want to make those friendships work. And silly me, I still feel bad, and worry about how to make those relationships better, but really should I, because I am pretty much sure that those who have hurt me, are ones that are focused more on their selves and what makes them happy they really haven't thought once about what has happened between our friendship and has happened to me.  And then I find myself worrying about them...oh the web I weave....oh the friendships I've had...

Leaving behind friends in Texas, then Hawaii, then Utah Valley has been a little tough. Though I have to say I have made some amazing wonderful friends here in Ogden, feel like I have more than I have had in my adult life.  And I appreciate the support they have given me, as well as the laughs and the fun! 

Speaking of Fun!  The first week of May I gave my two weeks notice at the hospital...and some days, I really, really  miss the break from kids...I love my kids, but as Eric said, I had a taste of the sweet life :).  But working weekends and literally not seeing my husband, but Sunday evening, the four months were taxing on me. I would walk in the door after a long day of work, and Eric would pass me the parenting baton, and head out the door.  It has been so nice the last two weeks to actually go to church with my family, as crazy as they are there, and just hang out for one day with the family, the whole family. Though I do miss having Saturdays to hang with the family too.

Today I took the kids hiking all by myself...I am never that brave.  We passed a family on the way up and the mom said to me "wow you are brave!"  To which I responded, "no just crazy!"  But these holidays alone are hard.  And last year we'd go hang at the restaurant as I helped out.  But it just seems that its easier to not be there. 

It kind of was a lonely day for me, even though the kids and I were together and had a good time, I just think I thought moving closer to more family, I'd see and do more with them.  I know poor pitiful me, I could do some calling and organizing, but am so exhausted, sometimes I think its nice to get invited. 

Those who know me from times past, I used to do a lot of inviting and planning! I love having people around and doing parties.  I actually spent the other day cleaning up the neglected backyard so we could have some friends over, so maybe my days of reclusiveness are fading.  Anyone want to come to a bbq dinner next Sunday? 

Did I mention that I am now a director of a child care center?  Its crazy but couldn't have come at a better time for me.  I literally prayed and fasted one Sunday, mostly about my previous job, and wanted to find something else, that would lend to me being "home" more.  And the next day I talked to my friend Bruna and one thing led to another and she offered me this job!  Its nice to be doing something related to my degree!

May 29, 2010

Go to the light!

Bee planted a seed at school and it was set in a little milk carton, that I set into a little pot on my window sill.  It is behind the curtain, away from the sun.  While I was washing dishes yesterday, I noticed how the poor little stem was growing and bending around the curtain to get to the sunlight! 

For some reason the scene from Poltergiest jumped into my mind, "CarolAnne, don't go into the light!"  "no you need to tell her to go into the light!"  "But I thought you told me to tell her not to go into the light!" "That was before, she needs to go into the light!"

Anyway, I think we all need a light to grow too, a light to direct us in our lives!  Sometimes I feel like I am hiding behind my curtain and not heading towards the light, more because it is comfortable in the dark, hidden? 

There is a scripture that states, "let thy light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your father in heaven!" 

I wonder if I am the light that my little children are growing and looking to find to be like! I see so many times their little necks peaking around the corners, trying to find me and some direction in their life....I hope I am providing enough light for them.  Hope I am a bright enough light for them to continue to grow and become great people.

So don't hide behind your curtains, and don't hide your light behind curtains so others can continue to grow and learn!

Two is NOW 5!!!!

Her first morning as a FIVE YEAR OLD!! Where has the time gone????

The birthday morning starts off with a little self portrait! Love her brown eyes! And she has the most perfect huge smile!!! This year has been a crazy one, and I feel for Two because her birthday always falls around the end of the school year, which is always a crazy few weeks.  So instead of a party, she invited one friend, her best little girl friend to lunch!  They had their own table at Chili's and had a blast. And that evening we had a family get together where we were able to wish her happy birthday!

Two...well not like you can't see her name, was so excited to blow out her candles that she blew one out before the others came to sing to her.  Actually the day of her birthday my oldest niece Anna graduated from high school!  I was a senior in high school when she was born!!!  She was kind enough to share her evening with Two!  Thanks Anna, and CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
After we sang happy birthday, she ran up to me and said "is it present time??"  I felt a tinge of guilt because it wasn't her birthday party, and not that I was totally expecting her aunts and uncles to gift her, my heart hurt for her. Luckily her nanny and aunt alyson came through.  She was so excited to get her movie, and pretty pink twirly skirt and pets. 

We love you TWO!!  Happy Happy Birthday! You are such a joy and light in our family! You make me smile everyday! Who couldn't smile with your big contagious smile!!!

Two Graduates from Preschool!

Preschool class of 2010...What a cute bunch!

That's TWO in the purple dress and glasses...Singing at the top of her lungs!!
Miss Melissa giving her, her diploma...
Two proudly watching her other friends receive their diploma.  I am so glad she had the experience of attending preschool and enjoying it.  However I wasn't preprared for some pomp and circumstance (is that how you spell it?? and say it?) I think if I had know I would have invited grandparents, aunts and uncles, and DAD, because I was the only "single" person there!  :)  Congratulations TWO off to Kindergarten you go!!!

Summer Fun!

We are working on ways to make summer fun and still get work done.  So around here the rule is NO FUN til the chores are DONE!      As incentive yesterday we bought a little swimming pool. One the kids were dying to open and set up, even though it was raining and cold.  Though when we came home from the store, yesterday, I told them the basement had to be cleaned. So they ran down stairs and cleaned the basement.  Well again it was cold.  And we had other things to do and they were not behaving so well, it didn't get set up.     So today as they were begging me to do the pool, I mentioned the back yard needed to be cleaned.  So they filled three trash bags with popsicle wrappers and weeds.  And Once they were done, I noticed the basement was still in need of some cleaning. With swim suits on they finished the basement! And so like I had promised I filled the pool for them.   However I don't think they were expecting it to be so cold. I went inside to boil some water for them, and came out to them huddled into this little ball!  Even with blue lips T-Rex was the happiest...... Hopefully we will experience some warmth soon....Soon enough I am sure!

If I've told you once...

Eat all your lunch......wait is this a picture of your unfinished lunch......Do not open the oven door while something is baking!....wait you opened the door to get this picture didn't you??

And um well don't look directly in the sun or at least try to take your portrait outside.....

I have told you before....don't play with mom's camera! 
especially when your hands are covered in chocolate pudding and you are aiming the camera at your mom when she is telling you to put the camera down, not such a pretty face!

(as I was posting this Two said..."oh I took that, you should see the other one I took of the spaghetti Os...too cute! love my budding photographer!)

May 21, 2010

Humblings of Motherhood

 As a mother, I find myself constantly getting after my kids, to not leave their shoes or their clothes in the middle of the floor, get their shoes, papers, jackets out of the car, to empty their back packs or lunch boxes (ok my kids don't use lunch boxes very often..) I wonder why they would do such things!  How could they forget the things I ask them to do on a daily if not hourly basis? 

But then the sun goes down, dusk fills the house, I stumble around to find a light to turn on, to only trip over a shoe...as the curses begin in my head, the rants of "how many times...", I look down to pick up the rotten shoe to discover it belongs to......................................   ME!!  Most likely a kid chucked it from the basket in search for their own right???

Then I notice after tucking in all my kids, straightening up the kitchen, I quickly go to brush my teeth and strip my way to bed, leaving behind a trail of clothes, that I find the next morning.......  

After a long day of work, well when I used to work, as I quit a few weeks ago, I tended to come straight into the house, many times leaving things in the car. Often times leaving things for a little while.  So today, and let me just say its been about two weeks since I have worked....I pulled out my lunch box.  Yes my lunch box that I thought was empty, well minus an apple and a slim fast....something that wouldn't go too bad and well it just "slipped" my mind each time we were rushing in and out of the car.  Kudos today to me for taking it out.....but the smell!  Oh the smell.....I unzip it...and the mold the smoosh the awful black stinky matter!  What the heck was it?? A banana...a poor helpless banana sat rotting in my car for at least 3 weeks!  It was steped on, it was smooshed, it was frozen and it was heated and it died a terrible death! 

Maybe I still need a mother around reminding me daily to do stuff!  Maybe I should be a little kinder to my kids that really aren't  not listening but just following my subtle example.  I am humbled.  A lesson learned.  I will do better.

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