March 31, 2008

The Boys Framed

Modern Art Museum
Modern Art Museum by dumpr.net

Kids Caught Sleeping

Art Museum
Modern Art Museum by dumpr.net

All About Me-- Isn't my whole blog about me?? :)

I have been tagged by my friend Michele, on a MIM (I think that is what the blogger world calls them) and since my kids are all asleep well mostly I thought I'd answer it now:

1. What were you doing 10 years ago? I was student teaching at BYU and finishing up my final classes to graduate. Woo Hoo!

2. Five Things on my To-Do List Today
  • wash some sheets
  • Take kids to the library
  • make dinner
  • mop kitchen floor (though I have finished that now)
  • keep my kids happy :)

3. What snacks I enjoy

  • apples
  • crackers and cheese
  • chocolate mostly peanut m&ms
  • nachos

4. What would I do if I were to suddenly be a Billionaire?

  • Pay off student loans and other nasty debt!
  • Set up substantial savings account
  • Set up college funds for my kids
  • Send my parents on a mission
  • Travel with my husband - maybe we'll let the kids come along too :) (So I copied Michele's list)
  • Open up my own digital scrapbooking, family history store

5. Three Bad Habits

  • mindless eating
  • Yelling at my kids - unfortunately, it happens...
  • funny can't think of any :) no I think saying things I shouldn't or saying things that hurt others feelings when I really don't intend them to. So sorry if I have hurt anyone's feelings with my words, I think sometimes things come out the way we don't intend them to.

6. Five Places I've lived

  • Los Gatos, California
  • Laie, Hawaii
  • Provo, Utah
  • Fortaleza, Brazil
  • Austin, Texas

7. Five Jobs I've had

  • Swim Instructor/lifeguard
  • Nanny
  • Subway Sandwich Artist
  • Special Ed Teacher at a High School as well as a Seminary teacher for kids with Special Needs.
  • Mom, Mom, Mom

8. Five Things People Don't Know About Me Or at least I don't know if they know:

  • When I was four years old, I was climbing up a friends water slide in the back yard, and their son pushed me off. I landed five feet down on my head. I remember waking up to everyone looking at me. I puked and puked and was so sick. They were doctors and never took me to the hospital. I think I am lucky to be alive, and I probably would have gotten into Harvard if I hadn't hit my head so hard :)
  • I used to be very athletic and could run faster than most kids around me, especially sprinting, I was a great hurdler as well. I didn't think I was good enough at anything I did and so I quit. I wish I had not felt so down on myself. And wonder why I don't really enjoy doing those things anymore.
  • I love to make up my own musicals. I dance around the house and sing songs I make up to what we are doing. The kids think I am crazy but we laugh.
  • My first kiss wasn't until after I graduated from High School, and it was with some guy my friends and I met while cruising some strip in Reno, Nevada. I even went home to the guys house and spent the night. One of the stupidest things I ever did. I am lucky nothing happened to myself and my one friend that stayed over with me. I don't know why we let our friends drive away...I am sorry Kelly and Amy! Thanks Jennie for being there to protect me. What a night! I did lots of stupid stuff, and for some reason the Lord seemed to protect me from my idioticy :)
  • I get lonely a lot. I really need people around me. Though I do love my quiet moments every once in awhile.
So there you have it! I don't know who to tag, well actually I started listing and then it just got to the point where it was almost everyone I know that reads my blog, so if you are reading this consider yourself TAGGED!

Monday Mumblings

As part of a prompt writing group, we get a little prompt and are to free write for 10 minutes. This morning's prompt was on pushing you can read what I wrote here: Monday's Prompt: Pushing. Anyway it got me thinking even more about a bunch of random things and well I decided I would start what I call Monday Mumblings...

Many times people respond to me with "what" because I mumble and it is usually things I just don't really want them to hear but things that pop out of my head and out my mouth faster than I can really think, though I must think because I mumble rather than say it clearly anyway so on to my
Monday Mumblings:

1- I don't like having my house listed and on the market....I love having my house clean but at the same time it turns me into the wicked witch of the East and I just get so frustrated when one little thing is out of place. And it isn't like the house is showing every day but just the threat and the possibility that at a 15 minute notice an agent can show up. And heaven's knows I don't want to be running around cleaning it then.

2- I am tired of kids wetting beds...I just don't want to wash sheets, because that would mean I have to fold the clothes in the drier and then they'd be on the coffee table and I don't feel like putting away clothes but can't have them out down stairs because of number one.

3. As much as I love to eat, I am so sick of food and having to eat and feeding kids. and then cleaning up the kitchen and well back to number 1.

4. I love that T-rex is crawling and social with his siblings but I wish some days he would just stay in one spot. He really likes to put things in his mouth and I can't count the number of times he has put something in mouth. If you'd like to see a day in the life of T-rex's mouth check out this blog entry click HERE.
Last night he choked on some candy wrapper. And then he wanted to sleep. He slept all night and when I woke up I ran into his "man cave" and had to touch him to make sure he was still alive. He was!

5. I was so happy with an achievement of mine. I have been walking with the kids, but have the biggest desire to be a runner click here number 4- anyway this last week, while walking the kids, two times I decided to jog a little for about a straight 1/2 mile. I was really proud of myself. I mentioned it to a friend who I'd thought would be happy for me, because it has been something I have been really trying to do, but with two kids in a stroller and two walking besides me, doesn't leave much room for me to get much jogging in. So both times I did the oldest two were running besides me...anyway so I mentioned this to a friend, and she was like "oh that was what all of five minutes..." well yeah I know not much but it is better than the none that I was doing. I am proud of myself and will try to do more jogging with my walking this week, maybe I'll make the kids take their bikes. Better would be to find a time with out kids, but I am not fond of waking up early and going in the dark by myself, but if anyone would like to join me I'd be game.

6. I really really want our house to sell. And I really really would love to see our dear friends' houses as well as my in-laws to sell. Eric and I just pray it happens soon for all of us. We thought of a great April Fools joke we'd have our agent help us write up fake contracts on their houses and then realized that would just be mean rather than funny.

7. I love Easter candy but need to throw it out rather than eat it. But the kids like it, and I feel guilty getting rid of it but need to because I shouldn't be eating it. Wish I had more control over my personal eating.

8. Did I mention that last night was the first night I slept from 10:30-6:30 in I don't know like a YEAR or more!! It felt so good. I have to say I know B came into bed with us but I barely budged. It felt so good to sleep and I seem to be a much "better" mom today.

9. We are off to the Library but first I have to make beds and make the house "show ready." For what??? most likely a no show but if I don't then of course someone will show up, Murphy's law.

10. I keep trying to edit my font size and it keeps making it large!!!!!!!!!

March 30, 2008

Should I be worried?

G-man told me today that when he grows up he wants to be a makeup artist and a hairdresser.

He and B set up a Beauty Shop in their room. It's rather nice. G has been doing the girls makeup and hair. Though he has professed to be not that great at hair, and has to always ask B what things are. But they are having fun!

They made open and close signs but T-rex seemed to enjoy chewing them. You can see the Beauty Shop Sign and who is welcome to come to the shop. Gotta love kids and their creativity.

I.C.Q I Love You!

Not many may know but Eric and I didn't have a traditional courtship. We went out on weekends and he lived in Dallas and I in Austin. During the weeks we would chat on line, for several hours at a time, usually we'd stop because Eric would fall asleep.

Eric recently recovered several saved chats of ours and bound it for me, all 63 pages of chat, single spaced, unedited. I spent a couple hours reading it yesterday. I am amazed at how much we shared, how much I knew before I married him, and yet was so blinded by love I didn't notice. Not that I don't love him and glad that I married him because I am. But the things that cause the most problems in our marriage, were there before. Just kind of funny how naive and young I was, and I was "old" at the time. I don't know if I am making much sense. But anyway it was fun to read and see oh we did talk about that...like money and debt and working...anyway seems that we knew all the answers and yet we still have made some mistakes. But we are learning and growing together and closer because of it.

I guess sometimes life lessons repeat themselves because we are just too dumb to remember that we already learned that :)

March 26, 2008

10 or So Things I learned about myself while traveling

So its a long title and well just not too sure how to sum up my latest adventure of traveling. I feel so behind and feel like there is so much to write and tell, but man who wants all the boring details. So here is the list of things, and as usual in no particular order other than what pops into my mind, and hopefully I will be able to finish this time with out a Realtor saying they are coming over to see the house, which is what happened to me earlier this morning and lets just say I had some cleaning up to do and sometimes 30 minutes isn't enough time, I mean I have four kids! And I am tired and lazy :), ok and totally distracted. So here you go:

1. I would not make a great single parent.

2. I really don't like visiting people, well that isn't phrased just right, but I really don't like driving to different houses everyday and hanging out at different homes everyday.

3. I am a home body, would rather have people come visit me.

4. I am a little bit of a medium, not size though people did comment on my "smaller" size, but you may remember a blog awhile back about those dreams I was having of driving my car and not being able to stop...well yeah that is what my car wreck was like. I saw the gal turn left in front of me, and I slammed on my brakes as hard as I could and just couldn't stop. I saw her little red car, her daughter in the back seat, and just prayed they would be ok and that they would be able to speed up and out of my way. But nope I hit them and they did a 180. But luckily everyone is ok, other than the bump on the back of Emily's head and the fact that the car took almost two weeks to be fixed.

5. I still don't like going to the dentist even if it is my brother in law and he doesn't yell at me for not having a big mouth.

6. I don't like the drive from Texas to Utah, not in a car, nor in a bus, or in a train. I do not like it!

7. My memory is warped: hotels are not fun!

8. I love my family but sometimes a little distance is nice.

9. My kids are wonderful my parenting just sucks!

10. I can live off of little to no sleep and am not too horrible of a person to be around.

11. I come from a wonderfully quirky amazing perfect family.

12. There are a lot of rabbits on the highways between New Mexico and Texas, and I enjoyed seeing every single one.

13. I love Air Supply and forgot that they were my favorite band, and still know all the words to all their songs...."the beating of my heart is a drum and its lost and looking for a rhythm like you..."

14. I don't like it when other people change the music or radio station in my car.

15. I am not very talkative.

16. I'd really like to live in Utah near family but maybe in like St. George or Moab.

17. I stress too much staying in someone else's house and got more rest driving straight for 26 hours than I did for the two weeks staying with my parents.

I Am HOME!!!

I am just so glad to be home and in my own bed! It is wonderful to see Eric again, and I have to say he did a wonderful job keeping the house clean.

Speaking of the house, it kind of doesn't feel like my own home. I guess with no family pictures up and the kids stuff mostly put away, it just feels a little like living in a hotel or something, if that makes any sense at all.

So I mentioned we had received some offers. One was just way to low, and I am just not ready to bring a check book to closing you know?! The other is still working on her offer, so hopefully that will happen soon. Keep theses thoughts in mind--close so we don't have to move out of our house too soon, and offer high enough so we don't have to write a check at closing!

Wow that was exciting NOT!

March 19, 2008

Out of the Mouth Of Greg

I have to say one of the best things about our trip to Utah has been the time I have been able to spend with my kids, my cousins, siblings, parents, well you get the picture our family. But by far the greatest has been having little Gregory around since he is in school so much of the day. He has been a lot of fun and I just really enjoy him. Not that I don't enjoy the other kids, but I have missed Gregory while at school.

Anyway he has just said some great things:

Today while we were at Carls Jr, with my sister and my cousin, he came running up to me, and put his arms around me and said "This is the best day ever." Now mind you he said that about three or four, or almost every day these past two weeks while we were visiting with people. But today I just had to smile, knowing that he is really having a wonderful time being around so many people that really love him.

He also lost his second top front tooth. He just couldn't be more excited. He had to inform us that he hoped the tooth fairy would know where he was. He left his tooth out and in the morning found a note. He read it and said "The tooth Fairy said this was the greatest tooth ever! I have the bestest teeth around."

Tonight I was feeling a little overly emotional about the selling of our house, not to go into much detail but we will be barely breaking even on the house, which I knew, but saw things in print and was saddened by the fact that the realtors will be taking home thousands more than us...anyway...Gregory heard my conversation with my parents and said "Mom it's ok, you can have all my money from my wallet...if we can find it...and all the money the tooth fairy gave me and then you can buy another house." I sure wish the ten plus dollars he has hidden in his wallet with the 1.50 from the tooth fairy would help us be able to purchase another home.

He is just so kind and tender hearted.

Another funny thing he said before this trip. After I finished painting our gameroom, and had it all decorated. He said "Wow mom this is so beautiful it looks just like one of your Heritage Makers' books." So I guess the room in his eyese looked like a scrapbook page? Anyway I know it was the most wonderful compliment he could give me.

March 18, 2008

I'd like to thank HGTV

Let's back up to March 2005 when I got put on bed rest with Emily. Eric thought that since I was going to be laying in bed for two months or more, and my vision was such that I couldn't focus to read, that we should put a TV in the master as well as get satellite TV. I was a little opposed to the idea, because I feel that there is no need for TV in the room, nor paying for more shows than one could ever watch in a lifetime. I gave in pretty easily and became sucked into my new TV world.

I discovered HGTV! And became a huge fan of all their design shows, especially ones involving selling and buying of houses, to name a few Designed to Sell and House Hunters. I believe that not only did these shows fill the many hours of boredom but totally educated me. I know that a good education comes from attending a four year university, I have a degree in education, which anyway.....but I believe that I have become fully educated in what to do to prepare your house to sell. I'd go as far as to say, I have a four year degree...I mean I have continued to watch these shows, got put on bed rest again, for the last four years. This must count for something?

Ok so anyway as you know we have been preparing the house to sell, and it has been a huge headache. But I have been filling my mind with these shows, and wanted so much for my house to be as close as possible to all the things they suggest on the shows. I am not gloating ok maybe a little, but after our house was on the market for 4 days we got two offers! :) I fear saying anything because knowing me and my luck they will fall through, but I have to say TV paid off for me...or it could be possibly be that this is really what we are suppose to be doing at this time, or that we have an awesome agent- which if you are in the Austin area I would totally recommend. But I really feel that watching these shows helped me to know what I should do.

Though looking at the home and its pictures, I realize that leaving Eric alone with the final touch ups might have been not my best idea, seeing that picture frames are laying down, the entertainment center piece is falling off and some other things I'd move for the photos but over all I am excited on what we did with the house.

I'd also like to thank Leslie, Michele, Vanessa and Shawna for helping me with cleaning, organizing, packing, moving and everything else y'all have done in helping me get the house ready. I also have to thank Greg and Sheri for helping us with lots of stuff while they were "vacationing" in Austin. And I can't forget Eric for all his hard work as well as his patience with me as I was trying to make everything so "Perfect"

Here's a link to our house listing: HOME

I am still in Utah and waiting on the car to be fixed. Kids are having a blast visiting with all our cousins and friends. Wouldn't mind moving here.

March 11, 2008

If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all :)

So my grandmother has said about me. Instead of boring anyone with the boring details of my travel saga I have come up with a little song, that goes to the tune of the 12 Days of Christmas....and it goes something like this:
On the worst spring break vacation my bad luck gave to me:
1 speeding ticket
2 little stiches (sorry Mac)
3 sleepless nights
4 injured in a car crash
5 $50 copay
6 screaming kids
7 wrong turns
8 tanks of gas
9 thousand dollars to repair the car!
10 gray hairs
11 ...i don't know what
12 days with out a spouse
Oh I love Utah, and just am glad we are all alive and well for the most part, little sore, a little cranky and a little tired. But it is great to be around family and to have so much help.

March 09, 2008

Speeding Ticket, Screaming Kids, Meandering Ways

As you may have previously read we woke up rather early on our second day of travel. Actually after having no cribby for Timmy, working so hard to get him to sleep with me, I didn't sleep much of anything from the 1 am to 5 am time frame. Though I have to say I am sure I rested better in the hotel bed for those four hours than I would have in the car....ok boring!

G-man and B woke up and were making so much noise that I thought it best to take them down stairs with T-man. Anyway...you know that, but while I was down stairs typing my blog, and checking email, the kids were "chasing" T-man all around the foyer, and being a little noisy. The staff didn't seem to mind as they were setting up breakfast. They even let us sneak an early hot chocolate as well as a muffin.

We went back to the room, to find Emily wandering around looking for me. Lennie, my traveling buddy, was in the restroom getting dressed, and her little angels were still asleep. We wrangled everyone up and out the door, toting a ton of pillows and blankets and what nots with us.

Luckily it wasn't too busy of a morning and not many people eating breakfast at the ripe early 6 O'clock hour. Not feeling like making the kids sit too much, they ran around taking bits, and well yeah we called them back and threatened to throw their food away. We only had one orange juice spill all over the floor, and a yogurt casualty that seemed to make its way down my shirt and pant leg, right into my shoe. Nothing that a few paper towels and water couldn't fix.

Ok so we load the kids up and not too far out, the screaming fighting, laughing, hitting, seat swapping begins. I think we moved around to different spots every hour. I sat in the back so I could lean over the car seat to feed Timmy, and then Lennie sat in the way back at one point to separated overly excited and tired kids.

Countless replies from us "no we are not in Utah yet" were uttered. As well as "don't make your sister cry." Or "stop touching him." My favorite "Don't throw that." Or the "Stop laughing." Don't know why we said that, they were having a lot of fun, but it was out of control obnoxious nose snorting belly rolling laughter.

While all this is going on, probably not more than an hour into our day, I was trying to drive us as quickly and as safely as possible. But the New Mexico police officer thought I was going too fast. Oh well, after he took my licence and insurance, the kids began to panic and worry that he was going to take me to jail. And literally at that point it would have been a welcome adventure. This is my first ticket in years, I got one other one a month after my 16th birthday, the day I was going to an Erasure concert, and I thought for sure my parents weren't going to let me go. All they said was "its ok it happens, just be careful." I have been pulled over 10 other times but for some reason all the officers were more forgiving of my law breaking. Now that was a tangent for you.

When the officer came back to the car with my nice fat ticket, I had tears- ok I admit, I was sad and sure that it was going to be a $200 ticket that I couldn't pay, I really can't afford to even pay the gas for this adventure a whole other story...but anyway so I was trying not to cry, but Timmy was screaming, and other kids were crying and the officer says "Sounds like an un happy bunch." No kidding!! Then he politely explains my ticket that I could A- appear in court or B- pay it...well since I have no intention of going to Santa Fe to appear in court I told him I'd be paying it. He checked some box handed me the ticket, and then asked where we were headed in such a hurry. I don't think he has ever traveled in a car with six screaming kids...you want to go anywhere fast! We told him our destination was SLC and he reminded us that we should drive more carefully with such precious cargo. I agreed, and we took off.

I then told the kids that they really need to behave so I could concentrate on driving. It worked for a little bit. But T-man was getting really upset. So Lennie decided to drive and I hopped in back, popped my you know what out, and hoovered over his car seat and nursed him. This worked several times, allowing us more time to drive and get lost.

Did I say lost? Well we didn't really get lost, we just decided to take the scenic add an extra three hours to our trip, drive. Northern New Mexico is really pretty, as well as Southern Colorado and as the kids said "looks like Utah." I didn't realize how many national parks y'all have in those parts. And just because a road on the map is a red line, doesn't mean its a highway, you have to look closer and the fatter red lines mean a divided highway, of two lanes or possibly four, usually for passing, a lighter red line means its a drivable possibly dirt road...so if you miss your first exit and don't realize it for thirty minutes, because the driver wasn't looking for the signs, and the navigator decided to trust driver to look while she read the kids a novel- you might want to just turn around rather than looking at a map and saying, oh up ahead 50 miles is a "short cut" to get you back on the highway. It may just turn out to be a dirt road through a national park that you can only drive 20 miles per hour on. Not that I am speaking from experience.

More adventures later :)

March 08, 2008

Travel Log...If you care

You may be wondering how the drive to Utah with six kids 7 and under in some would called cramped quarters is going. Yeah I know you are.

We have made it safely to Roswell, NM. Haven't seen any aliens yet though I believe they abducted my sleep. We pulled into Roswell, after a relatively easy 9 hours of driving. Not too much fighting, not too much complainig, not too many potty breaks. The time was 12:00 NM but 1:00 Texas time. By the time kids settle down, why are hotels so exciting??, its well after 1:00 am.

And guess what time I am typing this blog as three of my four are crawling around on the hotel lobby?? Well my little clock says 5:24 which, means well we had maybe 4 hours of sleep, because before I decided to do an update, I was trying to quiet my kids down in our room so my friend Lennie and her kids could sleep. Oh did I mention they didn't have a crib? So Timmy...bless his little heart, tried to sleep with me. He loves his own space, and well was up a lot. Though I did get a random dream in last night so at some point I must have hit a deep sleep!

Well off to wake the rest of the crew up and head out the door to SLC. At least the breakfast crew is up getting it ready and nicely offered the kiddos some muffins to tide them over.

It s going to be a long day.

March 07, 2008

Hi-Ho Hi-Ho

to Utah we all go...
just me and my kids
and a friend and her two
hi-ho hi-ho
hi-ho hi-ho
are we crazy yet,
24 hours in a car
with six young kids
wish we could rent a jet
hi-ho hi-ho hi- ho
give me a buzz
and will visit with you....
hi-ho, hi ho, hi ho

March 05, 2008

Oh I do love you!

So...have you noticed I like to start my blogs off with so...anyway. I discovered last night that I really am not a great single mom. I have had Eric traveling in the past, at one point in our marriage he worked in Indiana for six months and before that a year in San Antonio....so I am used to him being gone...well should say was used to him being gone. It has been a little while since he has traveled, and top it with trying so hard to make my house perfect and well top that with not enough sleep, swollen shins, sore neck and you get one heck of a cranky lady.

Last night we finished dinner, and I realized we didn't do Gregory's homework. While he was reading, Timmy was screaming, Emily was crying and Bethany was wanting me to do something for her. I was being pulled in four different directions and was hoping Gregory would finish pretty quick. However he is in the stage of 1st grade where they read picture novel books, that even I don't like to read to my kids before they go to bed because they are too long. So after 30 minutes of sounding out words and crying children, I had enough. So off to the tubs. I figure I can clean up later.

And tubs for some reason can never be as quick and easy as I think they might be. Soap in the eyes, baby falling down almost drowning, more water on the floor than in the tub...you know fun tub time. Of course I have to diaper two but for some reason the older two want me to dress them as well. I don't have enough hands or patience to do so. But give in after the several minutes of whining. Kids are finally all in their pjs, and mind you the dishes are still all over the table and counters need to be washed...and the load of laundry I started to fold is still on the couch, and my room is still disheveled after me painting the night before.

The kids get a second wind and are jumping around and all over the place. I try to nurse T-man to get him settled while the wild beasts are parading through the game room. T-man falls asleep, sort of but goes into his crib screaming. Emily informs me that he is crying. I assure her I know and that he will be ok.

At this point, I am tired, cranky and DONE! So again not using my nicest motherly voice, send them to bed with no stories! No stories is pure punishment. I put them in their beds threatening them if they come out I will turn the lights out. Then I walk out the door slamming it shut. As I stepped in the hall I realize that is just not the way to send the kids to bed. So I take a deep breath, walk into the room, and sweetly say "I love you" to each of the children, (they all are in the same room because well not sure why because we do have more rooms for them...) and I give them a kiss. As I come upon Gregory I say to him "I love you, very much." And he responded "Well you sure aren't acting like it!" Isn't that the truth. I am sorry buddy even mommies have terrible horrible no good very bad days.

March 04, 2008

How Many Times Do You Have to Hit Your Shin Until You Remember to Watch Out For That Thingy?

I came to a scientific conclusion that it takes the brain 4 times to register that you have moved the bed and the bed frame is sticking out where it used to not be.

We had a staging lady come to tell us things to do to get the house ready for the market, and besides getting new furniture and ripping out the carpets everything is fairly do able. Although Eric has left town and there is way too much heavy furniture for me to move, I figured I should start somewhere. I decided after she left to try the room arrangement she suggested. Then I realized I do need to paint my room. So last night as the kids were so eager to help I decided to paint my room. The bed when I pulled it out, came off its cheap frame it came on, well just a little. Needless to say while painting behind the bed, I hit that metal corner every time I walked by. Well not every time I think the last time I walked behind the bed I missed it! For some reason I didn't notice that it cut my leg open three times, I must have been really into the painting. So this morning I get to wash my bloody sheets! No I am not cursing or from England.

On another note...IT'S FREEZING!! I decided I should open my windows to allow fresh air in, so as not to die during the night from inhaling toxic fumes. Well it dropped to 30 something degrees and I woke up to freezing children. You know lips blue, and teeth chattering, hands clenched and the words "itssss freeezzzzzzzzzinnggg" coming out of there mouth with a puff of steam like a little teapot. I went down stairs, and the heat was turned off as well, so the house was a whole whopping 59 degrees this morning. So now the heater is working hard to warm up our house, like a bowling ball skimming along the top of a pond. :)

March 02, 2008

These analogies bring tears to my eyes as only a raw onion can do...

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Now here is your chance, write your own analogy! Be creative and you will be rewarded :)

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