May 31, 2010

Lots of Little things....

So I have been avoiding writing, well not really avoiding but life has kept me so busy lately that I haven't really had a momentt to sit down and write.  And seeing that even after my multiple posts this week, well they were all posted on one day :), but seeing there were few if any comments, no one is really reading and therefore, really who will mind another some random ranting post.

This last year, as we have been in this house, in Ogden for a year now!  Its so hard to believe that its been a year and yet at the same time....wow has it not been ten??!!!  The ups and downs this year have caused me to feel like I have aged 10 years. 

I have learned that some I loved and trusted, and would do anything for, weren't willing to recipricate.  It surprises me, it has hurt me.  I took  a personality test last year, and one of my biggest weakness/strengths is my compassion and that I put making others happy and relationships formost above myself. I avoid saying things or standing up for myself because I am more concerned about ruining a relationship than how I am being treated or feeling.  And unfortunately, I hate that now, me who used to be so concerned about making relationships (not talking about my marriage) work, am feeling hurt and surprised and stung, that I just don't even want to make those friendships work. And silly me, I still feel bad, and worry about how to make those relationships better, but really should I, because I am pretty much sure that those who have hurt me, are ones that are focused more on their selves and what makes them happy they really haven't thought once about what has happened between our friendship and has happened to me.  And then I find myself worrying about them...oh the web I weave....oh the friendships I've had...

Leaving behind friends in Texas, then Hawaii, then Utah Valley has been a little tough. Though I have to say I have made some amazing wonderful friends here in Ogden, feel like I have more than I have had in my adult life.  And I appreciate the support they have given me, as well as the laughs and the fun! 

Speaking of Fun!  The first week of May I gave my two weeks notice at the hospital...and some days, I really, really  miss the break from kids...I love my kids, but as Eric said, I had a taste of the sweet life :).  But working weekends and literally not seeing my husband, but Sunday evening, the four months were taxing on me. I would walk in the door after a long day of work, and Eric would pass me the parenting baton, and head out the door.  It has been so nice the last two weeks to actually go to church with my family, as crazy as they are there, and just hang out for one day with the family, the whole family. Though I do miss having Saturdays to hang with the family too.

Today I took the kids hiking all by myself...I am never that brave.  We passed a family on the way up and the mom said to me "wow you are brave!"  To which I responded, "no just crazy!"  But these holidays alone are hard.  And last year we'd go hang at the restaurant as I helped out.  But it just seems that its easier to not be there. 

It kind of was a lonely day for me, even though the kids and I were together and had a good time, I just think I thought moving closer to more family, I'd see and do more with them.  I know poor pitiful me, I could do some calling and organizing, but am so exhausted, sometimes I think its nice to get invited. 

Those who know me from times past, I used to do a lot of inviting and planning! I love having people around and doing parties.  I actually spent the other day cleaning up the neglected backyard so we could have some friends over, so maybe my days of reclusiveness are fading.  Anyone want to come to a bbq dinner next Sunday? 

Did I mention that I am now a director of a child care center?  Its crazy but couldn't have come at a better time for me.  I literally prayed and fasted one Sunday, mostly about my previous job, and wanted to find something else, that would lend to me being "home" more.  And the next day I talked to my friend Bruna and one thing led to another and she offered me this job!  Its nice to be doing something related to my degree!


Jess said...

If I was in Utah, I would definitely come by for a bbq dinner. ;)

A hike sounds fun. How were the kids? Did everyone do ok and behave? :) Hope you are not too exhausted!

Have a great week!

merathon said...

congrats on the new job! jealous you got to go on a hike-- i love hiking and we just rarely get to go (i think we've been 3 times since we've been married!)-- used to go all the time before that!

Angela said...

When I was working my husband and I didn't see each other much either. It is hard.

I am glad you found something that works better for you and your family.

Life sure gets exausting.


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Sheri said...

I don't think it is ever a good idea to hold in your thoughts and feelings - it just becomes internalized by not discussing it and then assumptions are made and things grow out of proportion... until the hurt is mostly of your own doing rather than the reason that caused it.
You are lucky to be home with your kids or to have Eric with them - some don't have that option. I hope you enjoy the new job and it is something that makes it worth it for you to do.

Nancy Face said...

It's so good to catch up on how you are and what you've been doing. I'm so glad you have a new job that will allow you to enjoy more time with your family! :)

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