July 5th 2008 marks a sad day in our family's life. It always comes to me kind of abruptly like running to the edge of a cliff, and sliding on the rocks before you hit the edge kind of an end. You have the great 4th celebrations and fun, and then the next day is marked with sadness.
This morning I was hit hard by the loss of my nephew. It is amazing how thoughts can lead you somewhere, but I was thinking about talking in church today, I spoke last week. I thought that good thing we don't have to speak today, and began to wonder about the speakers today and then remembered it was fast Sunday because it is the first Sunday of the month. Then I recalled that I spoke in church the Sunday after Little Daniel passed away and how when I started to speak I began to cry and my father in law mentioned to me later he didn't get why I was so emotional until I mentioned later that my brother and his wife had just lost their baby. Anyway it flooded to me the memories of the things people say to you after a loss of a loved one.
Many times I go to visit my brother and his family, and Little Daniel enters my mind, and I miss him so. This last trip out there for spring break, I was invited in by my niece Hayley for some lunch and I just got teary eyed missing him. It is hard to explain. I guess that is why I am jotting down my thoughts today.
My little G-man and Daniel are just a few months apart. How excited I was to learn that he would have a cousin his age, actually there were to be three little boy cousins.
Anyway, this is the first year I didn't send out flowers to them on his birthday. It's not that I have forgotten, and actually I just can't imagine how hard it must be for them at this time, because I have been hit hard grieving his life lost today.
But back to my father in laws comment to me about how he wasn't sure why I was so sad, not about Daniel's loss, but at the beginning of my talk. And anyway the thought made me think about how we as people have really no idea how to deal with loss or really know what to say. I heard so many things to me those few months after his passing that really upset me and he wasn't my son. I understand that others have the best intentions when they share their condolences but sometimes well I don't know what would be best to say. I think that is why when over at my brother's house, I don't all of a sudden say "Man I miss Daniel." when I feel the urge to say so.
I think part of me is afraid to bring up those feelings, one because I will cry and two I don't want to make others cry. But I wonder if, and most likely they are, feeling the same. And I am sure they would appreciate the knowledge that someone else is feeling the same.
Not sure if any of this is making sense.
I just know that Little Daniel is missed. By me. By my parents. By his grandparents. His parents. Our siblings. His siblings.
Something I have learned about grief, I don't know if there ever is a right thing to say. And I think a baby dying leaves many areas of uncertainty of what to say. I do know this, these are probably things you don't want to say (all of which I heard and he wasn't my baby and I didn't like hearing it)
"At least he wasn't her first!" Well not sure what comfort that is, because my goodness, that's like telling someone who just lost their mom and say "well at least you have your dad."
Or "at least she didn't really get to know him." I think that is the hardest thing, you carry the child the full nine months, expecting to see him turn one, drive you crazy when he is two, fall off his bike, start school. I can only imagine the wondering about what he would be like.
"He will at least be in heaven and she'll get to raise him later." Well what about now? I sometimes just wish I could call my brother to find out what kind of trouble he is in. Or just how he is doing.
Anyway, I just want to let D and W know that I love them. That my heart is hurting at this time, not most likely in any way as yours, but it is. I miss little Daniel and the life we never got to know. But do look forward to the day we get to know this amazing person.
I love you guys!