I just spent the morning, well not the whole morning, reading the journal of the man that killed those women at the gym. He was alone. Had no family, no friends and just lost all hope in life. I read through his journal feeling pain for him, and in some ways understanding him. Not wanting to go out and kill people, but feeling so alone it hurts. But unlike him, I am surrounded by family and friends, and have felt really alone, I can only imagine his pain.
And still with so many family members around I am surprised I guess at how different it is to be around them. I don't know I guess in my mind I figured we'd do more family dinners together, hang out more. Partly my fault, partly not.
I haven't talked much or posted many blog posts for the last few months, mostly because I couldn't find much to write about that didn't come across depressed or lonely or afraid or bitter or whatever I have been feeling since around Christmas.
I did mention in a post early this year my optimistic depression, I have been depressed. I took some anti depressants, I went to some counseling, I exercised,,,,I tried to eat right....I was at a the bottom of my barrel. In all honesty nothing seemed to alleviate any of my pain, other than the little glimmer of sunshine peaking through the top of my barrel.
I am still hurt over things that I probably should be over, but never came to a resolution over and feel tears weld when I think about things that have happened over the last few months. I am a grown up, and yet feel quite childish about my emotions, yet know they are raw, real and there. No amount of exercise, diet, and other things will get rid of them, other than my personally dealing with them, and just saying it is done, it is over and well go on.
Though I wonder if I let them continue to hurt me because of my emotional state I am in or was in? I am sure none of this make sense to anyone, but I need to write.
But recently, I personally took myself off my meds, one because I didn't refill my prescription and two because I just don't like the numb feeling they bring, I rather feel full emotions. And though right now I cry often and easily, I laugh more and I feel more alive. I see the rainbow on the mountains, surrounded by grey clouds with a little sunlight shimmering through bringing the rainbow more vibrant colors. It is going to be ok. I feel ok.
Daily I am reminded that I am loved and am not alone. I may find quiet moments where I will feel sadness but it is usually interrupted with a child asking for something, hugging me, telling me they love me, or a call, or a message on facebook or an email. Little small blessings reminding me I am not alone.
Yesterday I was having a hard time getting out of bed, even though my kids were like get out of bed...feed me...MOM! I was tired. I'd do some chores and then go lay back down on my bed. I turned the news on and heard about a woman who crashed her car killing herself, her children and her nieces, and then the above man I mentioned. I cried hearing their stories. I felt bad for the families of those involved. I cried because I have my kids and am so blessed to be apart of their lives.
Then back to school commercials came on, and I cried once more because I don't even know how we are going to get their supplies, or new clothes for school or shoes, or anything. The restaurant is going well, but not well enough for income for home. I am grateful for the patrons and the success we have had.
Then my sister in law showed up, with bags and bags of groceries, a microwave (are old one was catching fire and not working right) and school supplies for the kids. Tears welded up as her children brought the bags in to me. THANK YOU!!! I really really appreciate it. She did explain the microwave was our Christmas present, but the timing was perfect. We had such a fun time playing too! But thank you!
And recently, when unsure about how the heck I was even going to keep T-rex in diapers, a friend who offered to watch my kids, so I could help out at the restaurant, handed me some diapers and much needed laundry soap. I don't think she knew I couldn't even go get those things for myself, but she gave them to me.
Also I recently muttered, ok complained about the heat in our house, and a few days later, a window AC unit showed up at our house. It has made a world of difference. Thanks Dad!
Our computer crashed, no no one has given us a new computer, but Eric left his home today so I could write. You know it gets a little hard pressing numbers on my phone to write out messages and stuff. It is hard to express your thoughts and words with little continuous presses on numbers.
Lastly I have a neighbor friend that is suppose to be moving, but things are not working out for them, and I hope things work for them but I really enjoy our nightly chats on the lawn and will miss her when she moves. It has been a blessing having someone to confide in, laugh with and just hang out with.
And if you were truly able to read to the end of this, kuddos to you. Thanks for listening.