I guess life could be worse, so they say. I mean at what point do you reach the bottom of "oh I know someone who has it worse" barrel, there has to be a bottom....think somedays I have hit it.... I know that right now it just feels really rough, and funny thing is I am pretty happy and almost always positive that it will all work out. But then again just because I know that I am being watched out for and blessed doesn't mean it isn't going to be rough and humbling.
I feel like a small rock being pushed down a rapidly flowing stream, no make that a river. Every once in a while the water calms but then it starts to go down the hill hitting bigger rocks, with a faster moving current. I know my edges are getting smoothed, but pretty soon I might turn into sand.
Like that little rock I feel no control of where I am going because something bigger is pushing me along. The only thing I know I have control over is my attitude, and I love to swim!
But reality hits hard sometimes, and sometimes I feel like I am being held under the water a little longer than I can stand, and the calm waters are few and far in between. The rapids are pretty rough right now.
Today I met with a wonderful person about a job that I enjoy doing. All was going well until she mentioned the pay. I just wanted to cry. I was so embarrassed, I know she could tell I was about to burst into tears because she stopped and asked if I was ok.
The thoughts just flooded through my head, and at least the tears didn't start flowing until I got into the car. How the heck am I suppose to help my family out on that amount of money? By the time I'd pay a sitter and the gas just to drive around, I'd be paying to work! And that is not what I need to be doing. I need money to pay rent, electricity, buy shampoo....I could go on, but the reality of it all is just overwhelming.
At this point it would be cheaper if I stayed home. But I can't pay bills with my time and energy. Too bad in all this stimulus planning they didn't take in consideration paying all the moms who stay home raising children.
I don't know how I am going to make it through this rapid. I know I will come out at the bottom all shiny and clean and maybe even refreshed but man hitting all these rocks are sure making me crazy!