Do you think there is such a thing? Being Optimistic and depressed at the same time? Sounds like something impossible. Though I am suffering from it.
I consider myself a rather optimistic person, fairly cheerful and easy going. Maybe that is just my outside, around other people personality, because in the quiet of my room, I sit and cry feeling despair and lost. Yet see a light and know that it will all be well. But right this moment it is hard. Really hard.
My mind seems to be playing tricks on me, how is it possible to feel so stinking sad and depressed and yet at the same time feel peace and know that everything will be ok! Do I have a split personality? Am I really ill.
Many times those around who have not suffered from depression and that lovely thing of chemical imbalance will tell me and others to just shake it off, snap out of it. If that was possible don't you think I would? Who wants to just cry at the drop of a hat, or feel so down that you really can't get anything done, or things around you that you really love to do, you don't and you physically can't. It truly is an awful state, one side of you is saying you can't and don't while the other side is saying come on just do it.
I recently started talking with a therapist. The first few weeks felt productive and enlightening. I challenged myself to do things I enjoy once a day, whether it was read a book, or take a bath or go for a walk. It helps. But I can't say I am cured... it takes time. And I am not one who likes to go on the slow healing path. I want to be better t\day.
Life feels like a rollercoaster for me, taking me up really high and then dropping me off really fast. I know life is suppose to be this way. I know that through all this I will be a better person and look back at this time with fondness??? well probably not fondness, more like "wow glad that is over but look how much I grew?"
And yet at the same time I feel like I am not going to get out of this slump, the chemicals will never balance themselves out, I could never possibly produce enough endorphins to over come this. I mean how many miles can I run in one day? How many pieces of chocolate can I consume??
I am happy, yet I am sad. And yet I think it is ok...really how else would I know I am happy if I didn't ever experience the sad?
A friend yesterday on her facebook posted "I am sort of angry?" I responded to her "So does that mean you are sort of happy?" And it made me think that I don't have to feel just one emotion at a time, and that it is possible to feel a mix of them at the same time.
Life is crazy. I love my life. I do. And that is why, I work really hard to fight. It is a constant battle. One I look forward to not having to fight daily. I will get there. I will. I have to.