May 11, 2009

Optimistic Depression

Do you think there is such a thing? Being Optimistic and depressed at the same time? Sounds like something impossible. Though I am suffering from it.

I consider myself a rather optimistic person, fairly cheerful and easy going. Maybe that is just my outside, around other people personality, because in the quiet of my room, I sit and cry feeling despair and lost. Yet see a light and know that it will all be well. But right this moment it is hard. Really hard.

My mind seems to be playing tricks on me, how is it possible to feel so stinking sad and depressed and yet at the same time feel peace and know that everything will be ok! Do I have a split personality? Am I really ill.

Many times those around who have not suffered from depression and that lovely thing of chemical imbalance will tell me and others to just shake it off, snap out of it. If that was possible don't you think I would? Who wants to just cry at the drop of a hat, or feel so down that you really can't get anything done, or things around you that you really love to do, you don't and you physically can't. It truly is an awful state, one side of you is saying you can't and don't while the other side is saying come on just do it.

I recently started talking with a therapist. The first few weeks felt productive and enlightening. I challenged myself to do things I enjoy once a day, whether it was read a book, or take a bath or go for a walk. It helps. But I can't say I am cured... it takes time. And I am not one who likes to go on the slow healing path. I want to be better t\day.

Life feels like a rollercoaster for me, taking me up really high and then dropping me off really fast. I know life is suppose to be this way. I know that through all this I will be a better person and look back at this time with fondness??? well probably not fondness, more like "wow glad that is over but look how much I grew?"

And yet at the same time I feel like I am not going to get out of this slump, the chemicals will never balance themselves out, I could never possibly produce enough endorphins to over come this. I mean how many miles can I run in one day? How many pieces of chocolate can I consume??

I am happy, yet I am sad. And yet I think it is ok...really how else would I know I am happy if I didn't ever experience the sad?

A friend yesterday on her facebook posted "I am sort of angry?" I responded to her "So does that mean you are sort of happy?" And it made me think that I don't have to feel just one emotion at a time, and that it is possible to feel a mix of them at the same time.

Life is crazy. I love my life. I do. And that is why, I work really hard to fight. It is a constant battle. One I look forward to not having to fight daily. I will get there. I will. I have to.


Here Forward said...

Gosh, your post brings me tears because I can relate to so many of the same feelings. Hang in there and ask for help when you need it.(Easier said than done I know). Stay focused! You have 4 beautiful children. OH and a dear anonymous friend of mine suggested that I blog...(that's why I'm here)

Nancy Face said...

I'm sorry things are so difficult for you. I don't suffer from depression myself, but my daughter certainly did for several years, and it was heartbreaking to watch. I felt so helpless.

Heavenly Father and Jesus love you very much, and know exactly how you feel, while no one else can. They will help you endure this trial. (((((HUGS)))))

Sheri said...

I think sometimes it all just becomes overwhelming and we have to have some sort of release. I know I feel that way, at least to some degree alot. The whole last week I have felt on the edge of knowing that if I allowed myself to start crying I wouldn't stop...yet I also feel the peace and optimism as well. So I don't know if I am chemically imbalanced or just doingmy best to deal the hand I've been dealt. Hang in there. I have and extra shoulder and ear if you need it!

Anonymous said...

I don't suffer/live with depression but my daughter has since she was 14. It's like bloodsucker at times. Doesn't stop even when full. I have suffered with and have been working through PTSD. If it's even close, I truly feel for you. I happen to think to a degree, you can be both. It's okay to have faith in what you know will come and still have fear about the journey. I can be very eager about a situation and yet still fear a particular part of the event.

So in short, I think it is possible. I pray that you will reach out to anyone when you feel the blues/fears come on. I think blogging can be very theraputic. Look at you, you came to your blog and i'm sure you'll find many who will be willing to help or just listen. Be well & have faith.

Jessica Simonsen Howard said...

I think you are just normal, we all feel that way sometimes. You guys have just been put through a lot lately and although it is hard you will look back on it someday and be so grateful for everything, the good and bad! Hang in there!
Love, Jae

Andrea said...

I've been struggling with depression for a little more than five years--and yes, it's absolutely possible to be optimistic and depressed at the same time. People without depression won't fully understand, but Jesus Christ does understand.

Mormon Mommy Blogs said...

I love this post! I was just thinking about this very thing yesterday as I finally did the dishes. From Saturday.

I do believe it is possible to be both things at once, and those who have never visited our dark place will never get it.

I get it and I get you. You are not crazy.


Tonya said...

I think it's completely possible to feel so many things at once. We are complicated beings.

I'm sorry it's been so hard for you. I'm glad you have a overall sense of peace.

I've battled this a bit in my life and know it's hard to want to overcome it without help. Sometimes we just need a little help.

Helene said...

You have such an eloquent way of expressing yourself. You summed it up perfectly how I feel a lot of the times. I feel good most of the time but then there are random times I feel like I could just cry at the drop of a hat. It's like a constant high and low...you never really know where you're gonna end up. The good thing is that you recognize this and you're getting help.

When you get a chance, try to stop by my blog and check out the super fun art contest/giveaway I have going on right now. The prizes are fantastic!!!

Becky said...

I think that it's possible, because while your depressed, not by your own choice, Heavenly Father is allowing you to feel at peace. I don't know if you've gotten a blessing yet, but I'm sure it would help you very much. Also, I think it is productive for you to see a therapist, because it could be stress related as well.

I feel the same way a lot of the time. Like, I watched this movie with my boyfriend and I literally cried for 2 hours afterward and he couldn't do anything to make me stop. It doesn't help that the movie was already sad, but I just felt as if I could really relate. I mean, sometimes a good cry is what is needed..and sometimes it's much more serious then that.

I hope your feeling better soon, just remember that it's okay to be emotional..and that you need to hold on to doing things you love. Try to stay busy and you'll make it through this.


April said...

Hugs and Prayers!

Angela said...

Yes I was depressed but knew it all was going to be alright. I understand and I have felt the way you are feeling.

Gwen said...

I love your blog. I'm giving you an award. Please come to my blog to accept. gwenandboys.blogspot.com

Yvonne said...

Corrine, I am so sorry that you are struggling.

One of my girls struggles with depression and it is very hard for her. I do not know enough to be helpful--believe me I wish I could help.

You are in my thoughts and my prayers. The best thing is knowing that you have a feeling of peace--that is great.

Anonymous said...

Your beautiful, smart, funny,creative and kind. Look at how many friends you have. I wish you the best, I'm glad your working it will help keep your mind off things.


Anonymous said...

I follow a friends blog and happened on your blog because my friend follows you! I was diagnosed with clinical depression in'93, soon after the birth of my third child.

Your family is absolutely precious and darling and yes, you are depressed! So common at this stage of a womans life. Illness, job change, moving, not to mention 4 young children, are all major stressors!! I would like to share 3 points with you:

1. Yes, you can be depressed and optimistic at the same time. Why? Because even in the throes of depression, if you have a close relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, He gives you a "Peace that surpasses all understanding". I suspect you have that.

2. Don't be afraid or ashamed to cry when you feel like it. God gave us crying as a way to release pent-up emotions and tears actually release toxins in our system that build up due to stress and grief. Crying is a great form of purging emotionally and physically. (I'm a Registered Nurse who crys a lot!) However, if you cry non-stop for days, you must seek professional/medical help!!

3. At times you need to be selfish and self-centered. I know that doesn't sound very nice, but chances are, if you don't meet your needs, no one else will and you will become emotionally and physically depleted and no good to anyone. Your family will soon learn that if you are nurtured and given a chance to recharge, then they will have a better Wife/Mommy! I'm praying for you, girl!!


Anonymous said...

I love you Corrine! Look at how many people care about you! Just keep being you and everything will work out!


Anonymous said...

It is not true that the old men and women are more susceptible to depression than their younger counterparts and it must be mentioned that an individual is said to suffer from depression when he exhibits symptoms, namely, hopelessness, chronic tiredness, appetite loss, loneliness, sadness et al for one week or more. Therefore, it is important for you to get hold of right information on depression related details before starting to treat your depression.

Become A Blog HOODIE!