Tittled as such because that's seems to be how I feel lately. While cleaning today I thought of some creative story to express my feelings and concerns but like the hundred bags of trash those thoughts went down the shoot or somewhere...because for some reason all I can think about is poor me....not really poor me, but more I am so not a patient person and I really don't feel like I can handle much more or for much longer, if I haven't already hit my breaking point, which I just might have like a few months ago. But some how like the sun I get up each morning, and do my best to "shine."
But shining is really hard to do when you are emotionally and physically exhausted.
My right arm has been killing me for a few weeks and it seems to be getting worse, to the point that last night it woke me up several times with numb prickly pain...its throbbing now, and my guess is I have a pinched nerve somewhere. Though a lovely nurse today mentioned that it could be a sign of a heart problem, and that it sounds like the symptom another nurse was having before she had a stroke...left me comforted today. Though a few weeks ago I did go to the ER with chest pains and they sent me home saying its an ulcer and probably Irital Bowels Syndrome....anyway so needless to say I need to find a good doctor. I can't afford to get sicker but I can't afford to pay to get better either.
Speaking of paying, I am grateful to be working and bringing some money in but its not much and I really need to figure out how to get a higher paying job.
The restaurant is hanging in there, we appreciate ALL the support and customers, and amazing employees and an amazing hard working partner. But its not to a point (which I didn't expect it to be there yet) where we can get a return on our investments, in fact we have had to take our personal money lately to help pay bills, and its just getting hard for us as a family to survive, as we keep investing money and not seeing a return on it...someday.
Speaking of someday, I dream of the time when I can feel at complete peace. Because right now though when I begin to freak out about things, like the debt of the above mentioned investment, or no insurance, or car payments, or rent or kids getting sick, or my own health, I get a calm feeling that "it will all be ok." but that lasts a few minutes before I get a letter or a call or my arm goes numb (like it is right now) and I get all frazzled again.....maybe I just need to realize (cuz I just don't feel like it is) its normal, and this is what my life is suppose to be....but then again, maybe I am just suppose to find my own peace and contentment with the direction my life has lead me, and then it will change?
Because isn't that what is a life given, that the only thing constant is change?
Maybe I need to become content,.....thinking content thoughts, thinking content thoughts! Because really the more I think of it, I do love my house! I have a wonderful loving husband! I have fun, energetic, beautiful children! I have a job that most days I enjoy--take away the low pay but it is some pay! I have great friends, that I wish I could see more. I have wonderful extended family that have gone above and beyond in helping and supporting us. I have a church support system.
I am blessed.....and I am tried...and in the end of it all I am rich and will only become a richer person, maybe not in monetary value but in much more values and strengths......
and on another note JUNE a group of gals and I are going to a cabin in Yellowstone for a little away time and I am so excited!