whole lotta lotta

Whole lotta nada....is more like it.  The other day while walking/jogging with some of my friends, I mentioned to them that I woke up with a personal narrator in my head...and while I was waiting for them to meet me at the track, I kept hearing the narrator speak..."as she two staired it up the bleachers, her shorts rode even higher between her legs. The awkwardness of tugging them down and jogging down the stairs, caused her to lose her balance. Sending her tumbling down the stairs, bump, thump...She lay at the bottom cement stepped, embarrassed more than injured, as the high school cheerleaders from across the field, stood laughing as they watched the poor chubby middle aged women, trip, flip and spill to the bottom of the bleachers."   And on and on went my mind.  Even as we walked and talked, the voice kept narrating my life, and filling in the blanks. 

I had a desire that day to run home and write.  To sit at the computer for hours and finally get my book going. But my computer was dead.  It had been for awhile...about a month now.  Well maybe only two weeks but it has felt like years. 

Though it has made me realize how much I rely on my computer and sometimes take it for granted. I miss writing. I miss jotting down the funny stories of my life.  It feels like its been awhile since I have been able to sit down and make note of the things going on in my life. The simple things. The funny things. The Sad things.  Just things. 

Tonight, laying next to me in bed are my two little ones.  I tried tonight to get them to sleep in their own beds.  I read them stories. I kissed them. I said prayers. I kissed them again. I tucked them in. I gave them water. I tucked them in again. I kissed them again.  I threatened them with shutting the door and tuning off the hall light if they didn't go to sleep.  Then I came to my room and shut my door.  20 minutes later two peeked her head in the door, with T-Rex standing behind her, "Mom, we just cant go to sleep. We tried. We just can't.  Can't we just lay on your bed? How do you get us to fall asleep. It just is easier to fall asleep with you."  So instead of standing firm on my "you are sleeping in your own bed" they are curled up next to me.  They aren't going to want to sleep with me forever right?? 

Plus Eric,  has been contracted out again by Hart to help with the Hawaiian elections. Oh how I wanted to pack up the whole family and go again. But because of the restaurant and Eric not wanting to be away from it too much...(though things have changed with that..another time I will talk about that) and we didn't think the kids would do well having to start and change schools again. Plus Two got into all day kindergarten and we didn't want to fore go that one. So we decided it'd be best to have Eric coming back and forth and not to disturb the kids too much. 

Though I am still unsure that three and a half months in Hawaii would be too disturbing for the kids!?  The funny thing is...and I kind of mentioned it before to a friend when she said that I should go with Eric, we shouldn't be apart, it hasn't felt much different with him there.  And the kids haven't seemed to miss him.  And that is because the last year and few months, he literally hasn't been around, other than Sundays...and well anyway, it just dawned on me how much time he spends away from the family. It humors and saddens me. 

Though this past Saturday we spent as a family, more or less.  I participated in some CPR training while Eric took the kids to the train museum...which they loved. Then we met for lunch. And once we returned kids went here and there to friends, and for a few moments, about an hour, Eric and I were actually home alone on a Saturday!  Then we had a babysitter and Eric and I went out on a DATE! My brother turned 40 and we partied with them, you know old people style, dinner and volleyball and talking and hot tubing. It was one of the best Saturdays I have had in a long time. 

Well minus the me coming home from CPR/First Aid and the house still a mess, so I decided to leave and get my hair cut and my eyebrows waxed....well that part was nice. However while getting my eyebrows waxed, the little Asian lady said "let me wax your lip. Not hurt. Two minutes. You bite your lip. Ok?"  "um..no thanks last time my upper lip swelled up like a balloon and it hurts." 

"it not hurt. two minutes. Okay"

"no really. I don't want my lip waxed."

"it not hurt. bite lip.  just a little here and here. Okay."

"no I really really don't want to do it. its ok."

"okay then"  She pulls out the Popsicle stick. Swipe on my right side, swipe on the left side.  Rip.  Rip.  "see that not too bad. That be $15." 

Ughh...she charged me for both and I wasn't in the mood to fight it. Since I had said no.  Oh well, it looks better right???

Who doesn't want to look better?  I know I do.  Especially since I will be going to Hawaii in a month! Yeah for me!  Instead of Eric flying home for two days, I will be flying there to visit. With out kids! Thanks Mom and Dad, you know you will have fun too! :) 

Of all our years, this definitely feels like a year that I deserve a vacation. Not that I feel like I ever deserve much. But this has been a year and a half that I really would like to forget about.  Though I guess life lessons don't really work that way.  Lets just say, I have learned a lot. Just wish I felt like I am a better person for it.

To be totally honest, with not only you, but myself, I feel like I am just not a better person.  Really, and I hate that.  I feel like I am crankier. Lot LESS patient. And a whole lot more grumpier and quick to react.  And while I am at it, why don't I just throw in the fact that I have been just plain depressed.  Throw in a few months of also being really sick, and you get one heck of a not a fun person.  That's been a hard pill for me to swallow, seeing that I used to be the fun loving easy going person.  I need to find her again.

Maybe I'm a little more mature, maybe I have developed a little more compassion?  Maybe I have just become more "down to earth and realistic." Not sure but am ready to be a better improved me.  Sometimes I look at myself, counting all the new greys, and lines and wrinkles, and realize how much I have aged this last year. How totally worn out I have become. 

But no more.  Too bad I can just donate my worn out body and mind to DI and go to Macy's and buy a new one.  Though with this wearing away, I have become softer too. I guess my rough edges are getting smoother.

Speaking of smooth, I need a little transitional something....and well there really isn't anything smooth about this transition.  Other than I just need to go to sleep.  Gotta a full day ahead of me. 

Bee and G-Man are spending the night with their Nanny and Papa, and since I worked all day at the day care center, I really want to do something fun with T-Rex and Two...even if it starts off with doing the dishes that I have put off doing tonight because I had to write, and I hate unloading the dishwasher! Isn't that why I had kids, to have them unload the dishwasher?  I mean really.  I miss my kids.  But I really miss them helping me with that one chore. Lazy me! 

Well before I start babbling all my secrets, I better go to bed. Though the only comments lately I get on my blog are those of some people from China...and well I can't read their comments, not that I don't appreciate them, just have no idea what your saying, and most likely its just some spam stuff...and if it is not...sorry I can't understand your comments I do appreciate them, because they are like a good dusting of neglected ceiling fans. 

Night y'all....