Nameless

Each morning I wake up, dress in my fancy scrubs and drive the quiet few darkened miles to the hospital.  Gathering together first with my fellow Environmental Service employees, before heading to the 4th floor to begin my eight hours of cleaning.  Its a job.  One that is growing on me more and more each day. 


After filling our carts with necessary supplies, we knock the doors introducing ourselves, not by name but by the infamous words "housekeeping, may I come and clean?"  I never introduce myself by name.  Nor do many of my other housekeeping coworkers. 

The other day I knocked as I always do, propped the door open, saying "housekeeping" before popping in and finishing can I clean.  I was greeted by a giggle and "come on in!" in a cheery voice.  As soon as the patient saw my face she quickly apologized "I thought you were my friend jocking." 

"Nope, I am really housekeeping, do you mind if I clean?" 

"Of course, thank you." 

Walking the halls for the last few months, I have come to know many of the nurses and learn their names. However many refer to me as "the housekeeper."  Which is fine, that is my job title.  Though for some reason that makes me feel nameless.  Sometimes unimportant.  Most of the time unimportant. 

Names are so important.  As a matter of fact I watch many new parents struggle to find just the right name.  I was even asked this last week, which name I prefered for their daughter, and they put post it notes tallying peoples' vote.  Parents take pride in finding the right name, the right spelling, the best fit for their child. Once chosen, it is shared with pride.

I take pride in my work.  Although it is difficult to feel a part of a team, of an environment when you go nameless. 

Time Flies.....

Time seems to fly most days, some seem to go longer and slower than others, but every now and again I get a moment to sit down and capture a little moment in time.  I sit and watch the world around me move as I stand still....

or more like it sit still....

I notice that the cob webs on my window ledges are bigger than before, or that maybe I should take a comb through someone's hair.

I look in awe at how fast my little ones have grown, and somehow discover communications through hand gestures........(an accident or on purpose T-Rex?) 

and think how sweet they truly can be....

Their smiles brighten my days.  Their spirits and energies fill my home......

Time has helped them to grow and develop.....  but not a full fashion sense.....

.but time keeps moving, and so do they.....

and at the end of it all....I will look back at these times, remember these moments and smile, like I am today.  Because if time has taught me one thing, its this....it never stands stills!  But it is ok to sit back and listen to the second hand tick and savor each click. Because like sands through the hour glass so our the days of our lives.....

Boo Hoo Hoo Poor Me!

Tittled as such because that's seems to be how I feel lately.  While cleaning today I thought of some creative story to express my feelings and concerns but like the hundred bags of trash those thoughts went down the shoot or somewhere...because for some reason all I can think about is poor me....not really poor me, but more I am so not a patient person and I really don't feel like I can handle much more or for much longer, if I haven't already hit my breaking point, which I just might have like a few months ago.  But some how like the sun I get up each morning, and do my best to "shine." 

But shining is really hard to do when you are emotionally and physically exhausted.

My right arm has been killing me for a few weeks and it seems to be getting worse, to the point that last night it woke me up several times with numb prickly pain...its throbbing now, and my guess is I have a pinched nerve somewhere.  Though a lovely nurse today mentioned that it could be a sign of a heart problem, and that it sounds like the symptom another nurse was having before she had a stroke...left me comforted today.  Though a few weeks ago I did go to the ER with chest pains and they sent me home saying its an ulcer and probably Irital Bowels Syndrome....anyway so needless to say I need to find a good doctor.  I can't afford to get sicker but I can't afford to pay to get better either.

Speaking of paying, I am grateful to be working and bringing some money in but its not much and I really need to figure out how to get a higher paying job.

The restaurant is hanging in there, we appreciate ALL the support and customers, and amazing employees and an amazing hard working partner.  But its not to a point (which I didn't expect it to be there yet) where we can get a return on our investments, in fact we have had to take our personal money lately to help pay bills, and its just getting hard for us as a family to survive, as we keep investing money and not seeing a return on it...someday.

Speaking of someday, I dream of the time when I can feel at complete peace.  Because right now though when I begin to freak out about things, like the debt of the above mentioned investment, or no insurance, or car payments, or rent or kids getting sick, or my own health, I get a calm feeling that "it will all be ok."  but that lasts a few minutes before I get a letter or a call or my arm goes numb (like it is right now) and I get all frazzled again.....maybe I just need to realize (cuz I just don't feel like it is) its normal, and this is what my life is suppose to be....but then again, maybe I am just suppose to find my own peace and contentment with the direction my life has lead me, and then it will change? 

Because isn't that what is a life given, that the only thing constant is change?

Maybe I need to become content,.....thinking content thoughts, thinking content thoughts! Because really the more I think of it, I do love my house! I have a wonderful loving husband! I have fun, energetic, beautiful children! I have a job that most days I enjoy--take away the low pay but it is some pay!  I have great friends, that I wish I could see more. I have wonderful extended family that have gone above and beyond in helping and supporting us.  I have a church support system. 

I am blessed.....and I am tried...and in the end of it all I am rich and will only become a richer person,  maybe not in monetary value but in much more values and strengths......


and on another note JUNE  a group of gals and I are going to a cabin in Yellowstone for a little away time and I am so excited!